Is nothing sacred?!?...and other thoughts...

So, remember how the honeymoon is all set? Totally booked? Going to be awesome? The one thing that no longer needs to be discussed/decided/figured out/changed??

Hmmm. That's what I thought anyways. I even told a couple of people yesterday (I know, a sure-fire way to jinx anything, even though I don't believe in jinxing...) how nothing has been sacred the last few months, everything has come under discussion - BUT AT LEAST THE HONEYMOON WAS PLANNED.

Yeah, so, guess what we talked about last night?? Whether we should change the honeymoon. It was a short conversation, and we're not, but still. It's the principle of the thing.

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So, my wedding dress is IN. As in, the dress made for me. Because I am getting married. And in case you were wondering, yes, it is absolutely gorgeous and totally perfect for me. :)

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So, have I mentioned lately what a great guy I'm marrying??
Here's a snippet of a conversation we had the other night (roughly translated since most of you are not fluent in Spanish):

Him: Love, I want you to be happy with me...
Me: Are you worried about this?
Him: Sometimes I think about it...

Poor guy is under a lot of pressure, between the job situation, the impact that has on the housing situation, knowing that I am leaving my family...
I told him not to be worried, because although there would be times when I would miss my family (for example), I am sure I will be happy with him. And then I sent off a card the next day, within which I reassured him that my hope and joy come from the Lord, and all I ask of him is to love me and pray for me. I don't want him to carry such a heavy burden..

The best laid plans...

My fiance and I seem to be learning a lesson of flexibility. This summer I think just about every plan we had has been modified, or at least re-evaluated. Everything from the wedding date to the honeymoon plans to where we'll live or when he'll visit....we make plans, then discover they need to be re-discussed and decided all over again. I am being kept on my toes, never able to think I know what to expect for long!

The latest thing that has changed, for at least the 2nd time, is our plans for where we'll live. Originally, back when FB had a job with what seems now like a hugely comfortable salary, we planned to buy a house right off. As things changed with his job situation, we figured we'd be better to start off renting something more affordable. That was a pretty easy change to adjust to, especially since we thought we could live right by the Pastor. I've stayed at the Pastor's house each time I've visited over the last year, and he and his wife have really adopted me like a younger sister or daughter. This way, they could look out for me and help me. Also, FB's sister and her 2 girls could live with me until the wedding. There are several reasons why I didn't want to live alone before the wedding, including being able to improve my language and cooking skills, not getting too homesick, and not opening the 2 of us up to too much temptation.

But, of course, things have changed again.

He has signed on at the job I mentioned last week. Which is good in the sense that he is getting paid. But the salary is not quite enough to cover the bills. So what seemed like an affordable rent before is now too high. A couple from the church has a house for rent on the other side of town and is willing to give us a great deal. Lower rent, no security deposit, first 1/2 month for free. Can't turn that down under the circumstances. Obviously, it is not near the Pastor. But it isn't too far from some other friends we have. It is also not in the same school district - meaning it won't work for his sister and her girls to live there with me before the wedding. I really don't want to live alone, though. So, FB and his brother will move out of their mom's house and stay at the new house until the wedding, and I'll live with his mom, sister, and 2 nieces at their house.

Not a bad solution, really. But I won't be able to settle in the same way when I first arrive. I won't have much privacy (there's only one actual bedroom in the house). And then, once we're married and I live at 'our' house, I won't be as close as I had hoped to friends (i.e. a support system).

I'll adjust, as I have to the other changes we've made. But it would be nice if we could stick with a plan and not have to keep changing things. It helps me feel ready for all the adjustments I will need to make when I feel like I know what to expect. Of course, all these changes do cause me to lean that much more into the Lord as my solid rock, which may very well be the point.

Honeymoon!!

So the excitement of the week is that the honeymoon is booked! And so are the flights! One thing that is settled and figured out - and a fun thing at that :)

(For those who'd like a reminder or never knew the original plans, you can read about them here and here.)
I don't think I'd mentioned here that the original plan ended up not working out. We hadn't ever actually made our reservations at the first place I found (well, actually it was the 2nd place) because we were deciding things like if the wedding date was really settled, etc. And in the meantime, they ended up fully booked for the first half of the week we'd be going.

So I was back to square one. Can't tell you how bummed and frustrated I was when I realized they were booked last week. It was starting to feel like nothing was going our way.

Then a couple of things happened...
1) I checked out the place my brother had gone for his honeymoon, just for kicks, even though it was in a completely different city than where we'd been talking about going
2) Expedia had a sale on reservations at said hotel
3) I found out I had more money to work with than I thought

All of which combined to mean we have reservations at a really unique place, with high recommendations from my brother and his wife - and I'm pretty excited!!
We'll have a casita (little house - but basically just a bedroom and bathroom) of our own built into the side of a mountain, opening up to our own deck or patio overlooking the ocean (and facing the sunset), with our very own pool. Breakfast will be quietly delivered every morning by way of a 'magic box' (like a milk box), and we'll be chauffeured around the extensive property in a pink and white jeep. You can't deny it - I know you're jealous right now ;)

I somehow misunderstood

Apparently, FB did get the one job (the one that doesn't pay that great but is better than nothing). So that's a little bit of good news. I don't know what he was trying to tell me the other day when I misunderstood him and thought it was a no-go. He is continuing to search for something better, but at least it will be some income in the meantime...

Better late than never!!

In doing some browsing and researching today, I stumbled across this:
Live Better South of the Border in Mexico: Practical Advice for Living and Working

The table of contents includes such topics as:
*Getting you and your stuff into the country
*International driver's license
*Permanent visas
*Medical care
*Banking

In case you were wondering, the above topics are all items that I would like answers on and have not been able to figure out where to find them. As an avid reader, I am somewhat ashamed that it never occurred to me there might be a book on the subject!!

Needless to say, I ordered it immediately. I had no qualms about paying for expedited shipping. I only wish I had found it sooner. I can hardly wait for it to arrive!

Speaking in Faith

For me, the written and spoken word carry a lot of power. When I choose to speak (or write) my anxieties, they become my focus. When I choose to speak (or write) in faith, it completely changes my perspective and puts my eyes back on the Lord. It is one of the reasons I have a prayer journal. Putting down on paper what I am trusting the Lord for helps me every time.

I don't have my prayer journal with me right at the moment, so I'm using this forum to choose faith over anxiety.

I don't remember if I've written here about the one solid lead FB has had for work - it wasn't going to pay quite enough to cover the bills, but was better than the alternative of nothing. Even as we've been waiting to see if he could get his old job back and keeping his eyes open for other options, we've at least felt like there was that one to fall back on. Well, in a conversation that was cut much too short last night (for a variety of frustrating reasons), he told me that he won't be getting that job after all. I don't know what happened; they had been consistently following up with him like they wanted to hire him. But it isn't happening.

He's had no contact from his former employer in the last week. I encouraged him last night to give them a call - I figure the worst that can happen is they say no, which leaves him where he's already at anyways. I think he's going to call - again, the conversations was cut short. But I appreciate prayers for that.

Up until now, other than the above mentioned situations, he's had no other real leads.

Just to keep things fun, he's now having car problems - which of course costs money. Which there obviously isn't much of at the moment.

So...

I am here to state that I know my God is Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. He is faithful to provide for all my needs. He always has, and He always will. He will supply all our needs according to His great riches in glory. He can do something that is above and beyond anything I could ask or think. And only He can take this bleak looking circumstance and work it all for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I will obey His word and rejoice in Him in all things. Rather than walking in anxiety I present my requests to Him, thankful for the ways He has always provided for me and for the ways He will show Himself strong in this too. In doing this, I know I can walk in His peace that passes understanding - and for this I am grateful.

A bit of a roller coaster...

I think I mentioned last week the difficulty in allowing myself to feel all of the emotions involved in my upcoming transition. I realized about a week ago that I didn't have as much excitement, etc, about my upcoming move and wedding as I used to, and that it was because I was trying to numb the feelings of sadness, nervousness, etc, I have about leaving. As much as I don't like the 'negative' feelings, I do want to have the 'positive' ones, as much for the sake of my fiancé as for myself. I didn't want to cheat myself, if that makes sense.

So I started trying to consciously feel more excited, for starters. We've had a high percentage of serious, figure things out type of conversations lately. I know it is pretty normal for engaged couples, but it is also pretty normal for engaged couples to be able to pepper their time with some fun or just together time. Due to the constraints we have being long-distance, we get a total of maybe 4-6 hours to IM each week. When there's a lot of things to figure out, that ends up being the only interaction we have. So this past Saturday, I made a point of trying to have some lighter conversations, to spend some time affirming each other and talking a little about what things will be like once we're together (rather than trying to plan all the stuff that will bring us together). It helped. I started to thaw, to get excited again (I wish I could think of a better word than just excited...)

Well, come Monday, I discovered that I had effectively thawed out. I was innocently driving along, listening to a worship CD. First of all, I realized I was connecting more deeply with the Lord than I have been lately (hard to connect with Him when trying to stay numb). The next thing I know, I'm crying. I had been just affirming in my spirit that I was trusting the Lord to be all I needed in the upcoming transitions, and suddenly the pain and sadness of leaving hit me hard. I spent the last several minutes of the drive to a friend's house allowing myself to feel that (and yet be presentable when I arrived!).

Today's overwhelming emotion has been missing FB. Wishing he wasn't so far. So glad we're chatting tonight. Looking forward to being his wife.

Through it all, the one thing that has been consistent is the peace of God that passes understanding. Ever since this relationship started, I have walked with a deep and pervasive assurance that I am exactly where the Lord wants me and that He will be faithful to provide for my every need. In some ways, I am really looking forward to the difficulty of the upcoming transition because I know it will help me press into the Lord in ways I wouldn't otherwise.

Keep Praying

I talked with my man last night. He discovered early this week that there is an opening back at his original place of employment. He expressed his interest in returning by phone a couple of weeks ago, and then sent something electronically when he discovered the new opening this week. He's excited because it is very unusual for there to be an opening there. I'm excited because if he were to return and receive a similar salary, we would be financially comfortable. Not rich or anything, but the bills would get paid and there'd still be a little left over. I appreciate your prayers.

I tried to pin him down on when he wants to come up here. He's been trying to hold out until he has his job situation sorted out, but I just asked what his preference would be if everything came together. We've talked a couple of times in vague terms over the months about the timing, since the plan is that I would return with him (to move down at that point). In the past, I always walked away with the understanding that it would be the end of October. I've imagined, and planned mentally around, the 3rd or 4th week. Last night he told me he's thinking the Friday the 28th or Saturday the 29th of September through Saturday, October 6th.

Ahhhh!
That's significantly earlier!!
That takes some serious mental and emotional adjustment for both myself and my family.

He does have some good reasoning, centering mostly on the fact that in his field of finances, the closer you get to the end of a month, the busier it gets. Therefore, the very beginning of a month would be the easiest time to get away.

Please, keep praying...

Language

Isn't it interesting how we say, "cup of coffee" but "glass of water"?

I was thinking this morning about how I had already had a cup of coffee and a glass of water to drink. The reason I stopped to think about the phrasing is because I didn't actually have the water in a glass. I was filling a water bottle to take to work and stopped to have a drink from it before refilling it to take with me. But the only phrase that came to mind was 'a glass of water'.

And technically, my coffee was in a mug.

Assorted Thoughts

I have a couple of things I want to write about. I don't think anything too long. So this post might jump around a bit...

We had our bi-annual family reunion this past Saturday, for the family of my father's mother. As in, my Grandma's siblings and their families. She was one of about 6, and they all had big families. No one manages to keep everyone at this thing straight, especially since most only see each other once every 2 years. This always felt like my Grandma's event for me. I usually introduced myself as her granddaughter and my father's daughter before giving my own name. But Grandma passed away a couple of months after the last one. I wondered what it would be like this year without her. Strangely, the day passed without me giving it much thought. No one mentioned her absence. I hung out mostly with our more immediate clan, touched down with the few distant cousins I've connected with over the years. And then it was over. I feel almost like I've betrayed her by not missing her more that day. I anticipated more emotion more than I actually experienced.
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So, for those readers who pray, I'd appreciate all the prayers I can get. FB really needs to find a good, new job soon. He had a stable, well-paying job for several years. Then, several months back, what appeared to be an even better job presented itself. It was a shorter commute, better work culture, with more opportunity for advancement. After a lot of prayer, he went for it, and for all the right reasons. He wanted to be home with me a little more and be able to provide well. In reality, it turned out to not be a good fit. And since it was almost entirely based on commission, he hardly made anything. So he's searching again. It's rough, with the timing being what it is. The Lord has always been faithful to provide for me though (most of you know I've never made much, but also had very little debt), so I know He has something in store for us now, too. But you know how waiting can be...
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I'm back to trying to find the balance between allowing myself to feel the myriad of emotions that come with preparing both to get married and to move so far away, but at the same time not become overwhelmed with them. I have a tendency to just kind of freeze them up, but everything gets frozen. So I don't have to deal with the sad/nervous/anxious feelings, but I also don't get to have the excited/happy/joyful ones as much. Maybe writing will help - maybe you'll see more on this soon.

Did I say laid back and easy?

I am writing this from my new job, where I was eventually told today (1st day) by the person training me to feel free to bring something to read, etc, for the slow times. This is about as easy and laid back as a job can be, I think. I basically take reservations and answer questions - which can come several in a row or spaced out by half hour increments...

At least I won't have to worry about being stressed at work!