I think I mentioned last week the difficulty in allowing myself to feel all of the emotions involved in my upcoming transition. I realized about a week ago that I didn't have as much excitement, etc, about my upcoming move and wedding as I used to, and that it was because I was trying to numb the feelings of sadness, nervousness, etc, I have about leaving. As much as I don't like the 'negative' feelings, I do want to have the 'positive' ones, as much for the sake of my fiancé as for myself. I didn't want to cheat myself, if that makes sense.
So I started trying to consciously feel more excited, for starters. We've had a high percentage of serious, figure things out type of conversations lately. I know it is pretty normal for engaged couples, but it is also pretty normal for engaged couples to be able to pepper their time with some fun or just together time. Due to the constraints we have being long-distance, we get a total of maybe 4-6 hours to IM each week. When there's a lot of things to figure out, that ends up being the only interaction we have. So this past Saturday, I made a point of trying to have some lighter conversations, to spend some time affirming each other and talking a little about what things will be like once we're together (rather than trying to plan all the stuff that will bring us together). It helped. I started to thaw, to get excited again (I wish I could think of a better word than just excited...)
Well, come Monday, I discovered that I had effectively thawed out. I was innocently driving along, listening to a worship CD. First of all, I realized I was connecting more deeply with the Lord than I have been lately (hard to connect with Him when trying to stay numb). The next thing I know, I'm crying. I had been just affirming in my spirit that I was trusting the Lord to be all I needed in the upcoming transitions, and suddenly the pain and sadness of leaving hit me hard. I spent the last several minutes of the drive to a friend's house allowing myself to feel that (and yet be presentable when I arrived!).
Today's overwhelming emotion has been missing FB. Wishing he wasn't so far. So glad we're chatting tonight. Looking forward to being his wife.
Through it all, the one thing that has been consistent is the peace of God that passes understanding. Ever since this relationship started, I have walked with a deep and pervasive assurance that I am exactly where the Lord wants me and that He will be faithful to provide for my every need. In some ways, I am really looking forward to the difficulty of the upcoming transition because I know it will help me press into the Lord in ways I wouldn't otherwise.