Wednesday, August 15, 2007

A bit of a roller coaster...

I think I mentioned last week the difficulty in allowing myself to feel all of the emotions involved in my upcoming transition. I realized about a week ago that I didn't have as much excitement, etc, about my upcoming move and wedding as I used to, and that it was because I was trying to numb the feelings of sadness, nervousness, etc, I have about leaving. As much as I don't like the 'negative' feelings, I do want to have the 'positive' ones, as much for the sake of my fiancé as for myself. I didn't want to cheat myself, if that makes sense.

So I started trying to consciously feel more excited, for starters. We've had a high percentage of serious, figure things out type of conversations lately. I know it is pretty normal for engaged couples, but it is also pretty normal for engaged couples to be able to pepper their time with some fun or just together time. Due to the constraints we have being long-distance, we get a total of maybe 4-6 hours to IM each week. When there's a lot of things to figure out, that ends up being the only interaction we have. So this past Saturday, I made a point of trying to have some lighter conversations, to spend some time affirming each other and talking a little about what things will be like once we're together (rather than trying to plan all the stuff that will bring us together). It helped. I started to thaw, to get excited again (I wish I could think of a better word than just excited...)

Well, come Monday, I discovered that I had effectively thawed out. I was innocently driving along, listening to a worship CD. First of all, I realized I was connecting more deeply with the Lord than I have been lately (hard to connect with Him when trying to stay numb). The next thing I know, I'm crying. I had been just affirming in my spirit that I was trusting the Lord to be all I needed in the upcoming transitions, and suddenly the pain and sadness of leaving hit me hard. I spent the last several minutes of the drive to a friend's house allowing myself to feel that (and yet be presentable when I arrived!).

Today's overwhelming emotion has been missing FB. Wishing he wasn't so far. So glad we're chatting tonight. Looking forward to being his wife.

Through it all, the one thing that has been consistent is the peace of God that passes understanding. Ever since this relationship started, I have walked with a deep and pervasive assurance that I am exactly where the Lord wants me and that He will be faithful to provide for my every need. In some ways, I am really looking forward to the difficulty of the upcoming transition because I know it will help me press into the Lord in ways I wouldn't otherwise.


OTRgirl said...

"(hard to connect with Him when trying to stay numb)" I hear you on that. Glad you let yourself feel both the good and the hard.

Inkling said...

I've been peeking in on your blog since finding you through one of my favorite blogs, Sojourning by otrgirl. You speak in this post so well, and I totally hear what you are sharing. You and I are sort of similar, in that we belong with men from another country and have had to leave home and the familiar to be with them. However, I only moved 2,232 miles to Canada, and while it is different in culture more than most Americans realize, it is not nearly the change you will be making. I really admire you for your courage to follow where God is leading you, and your courage to love someone even though you'll be facing so many monumental changes. You don't know me, but know that I'm cheering you on and mentioning you in prayer when God brings you to mind.

By the way, I really like your focus on having a "sane transition". Just today, my husband and I had a cultural issue come up regarding healthcare standards. It was so hard, and I reacted in an "insane" way. But remembering to communicate and talk my worries out with God too helped bring me back to sanity. May you have a much more sane transition than I have, and may you find so much joy in these next weeks, even in the midst of the pain of moving away.

Papajose said...

Dearest Friend,
I know it is difficult to try and remain a happy person which you are while all the planning has to take place let alone all the decisions that you have to make when FB is so far away and having to do it via IM. At least you have that to help keep you calm and calm you down when you have these feelings like "numb". I remember when years ago when we had to separate and we being at different ends of the country, but knowing that the love bond kept us closer and in time we would be married. I guess I can say that it was harder on my woman than me, her being sensitive and waiting for that day when we would be married. Then of course I was able to go home which is different for FB being from another part of the world, but when the day of marriage comes there will be no separation.
It is Gods plan and you two just have to follow His plan and make all the preparations that are needed and enjoy the time in doing all this. Seems like more is on your side, but knowing you, you are truly trusting in our Lord to lead you in all decisions. Continue to talk with our Lord and with FB in all that is on your heart. He gives His peace to all that seek Him. You both just have to hold tightly to the hem of His garment and feel His peace.
You are in our daily prayers in preparation for the coming event. Keep excited.